"He still asks about you, you know."

She gets a spang of longing and hurt in her chest, "I know."

She whispers, "do you ever think about getting in contact again?"

She's silent for a moment.

"...I would love nothing more than to run to him," she says, smiling, thinking back to him. "...But so much happened. So much hurt. I was broken after it ended. I can't risk having to say goodbye again, it destroyed me for a long time. So, would I want to? I would love nothing more. Will I? No."

Sebelum Terlambat

Hai, De. Apa kabar? How is it like up there? :')

Happy 22nd Birthday, ya, De. Gimana rasanya ngerayain ulangtahun di surga? Hehe. Maafin gue belum bisa mampir kesana yah.

De, mau minta maaf lagi kalau sampe sekarang gue masih suka nangis tiap inget lo udah gaada. Kalau inget gue gaakan pernah bisa ketemu lo lagi setiap pulang ke rumah kalau lagi libur puasa. Kalau inget muka Ayah dan Mama lo yang sangat 'hancur' ketika gue ngelayat dan dengan sekejap mereka meluk gue dan menangis karena mereka teringat oleh anak-anak sepantaran lo begini. Padahal kita tau beliau adalah orangtua yang sangat suka membuat lelucon ketika lo masih ada. 

Gue sangat ikhlas kok, De. Karena gue percaya Allah mengambil lo secepat ini karena Dia engga mau lo kesakitan terus. Umat Islam mana yang gak mau meninggal di hari Jum'at setelah adzan subuh? I sometimes wonder why God takes a lot of good people's lives too soon. It still hurts until now karena ini pengalaman pertama gue kehilangan seorang teman untuk selama-lamanya. I never imagined myself scrolling through your instagram feed and knowing what you suffer from all this time. I never imagined myself walking into your house and staring at those flowers from people to send their deepest condolences for you. Tapi bener deh, gue ikhlas. Jadi Dea bisa tenang yah, De, disana. :)

Terimakasih, De. Untuk semua kenangan masa kecil sampai remaja yang kita punya bareng-bareng. You know it is so rare to have a really good bond with neighbours, but we do. Dan gue sangat beruntung bisa punya kalian. My childhood would never be the same without you guys. Kalau gak begini, gue gaakan pernah bersyukur untuk kesehatan yang gue punya. Kalau gak gini, gue gak akan pernah tau betapa beruntungnya gue yang tidak divonis punya penyakit yang sampai sekarang penyebab dan penyembuhannya pun belum bisa diketahui oleh dokter. Elo yang jadi motivasi gue untuk bisa ngegambar (walaupun tetep gak sejago elo). Elo yang pernah berargumen dengan gue tentang siapa yang boleh suka sama Mark Westlife dan akhirnya kita memutuskan lo dengan Bryan dan gue dengan Shane. Hahahaha good old times we had back then, huh? :)

***

Sebenernya gue nulis ini mau mengingatkan kita semua untuk tidak pernah menunda kebaikan yang ingin kita berikan ke orang lain. Sekecil apapun itu. Karena kita gaakan pernah tau sampai kapan kita ada di dunia ini. Bisa jadi kita yang duluan gaada, bisa juga mereka. Karena rasa kecewa sama diri sendiri karena menunda menjenguk seorang teman dan mengenalkannya dengan teman sesama penderita dengan tujuan "biar Dea tau dia ga sendiri and she still can survive all this" sampai dapet kabar kalau dia udah keburu 'engga ada'. Percaya deh sama gue. It haunts me down until now.

***

Happy 22nd Birthday once again to you, De. Hope you had a good one. Pfft, what am I even talking about? I know heaven served you good today and always will. ;)

You, Tika, Me, Hani

Happy Birthday, My Go-To Guy!

"The only time you truly become an adult is when you finally forgive your parents for being just as flawed as everyone else."

This quote gets me. I mean, I don't know about you, but I have reached that point where I thought that this quote: "A father is the only guy who will never break your heart" is another form of what we'd like to call 'bullshit'. I have reached that point where I swore to myself that I would NEVER forgive my Dad for whatever he had done to me and my family. Yes, I hated him THAT much. 

As I grew older, I realised that I can never truly hate my parents. Because you see, they are ALWAYS gonna be there. No, matter, what.

Selamat ulangtahun yang ke-52, Bapakku yang paling galak. Bapakku yang paling ganteng di rumah. Bapakku yang gak kesampean punya anak laki-laki yang bisa mainin alat band di rumah. Bapakku yang mau aja nurutin (hampir semua) kemauan anaknya yang paling banyak mau ini. Bapakku yang dulu kalau gue jatoh pasti dimarahin dulu baru diobatin. Bapakku yang gasuka kalau anak-anaknya jajan sembarangan tapi kalau udah terlanjur tetep aja dibiarin walau sambil ngedumel. Bapakku yang gak pernah ngebolehin gue potong rambut pendek (entah kenapa).

As much as I hate to admit it, I see a lot of myself in you. Hahaha. Semoga semua anak-anak Bapak sempet bikin Bapak bangga, ya. :')

Thank you for showing me what it means to support someone unconditionally even when they haven't been entirely honest with you. And how everybody needs somebody to be inspired by. Somebody who sets the bar really high. Somebody who'll put someone else's needs before their own and not resent them for it. Somebody who always expects you to do the right thing and then forgives you when you don't.

Oh, by the way, there is this Taylor Swift's song I love so much that always succeeds to make me cry every time I listen to it 'cause it just reminds me of my Father.

"The Best Day"

I'm five years old

It's getting cold

I've got my big coat on

I hear your laugh

And look up smiling at you

I run and run

Past the pumpkin patch

And the tractor rides

Look now -- the sky is gold

I hug your legs and fall asleep

On the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you're not scared of anything at all

Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away

But I know I had the best day

With you today

I'm thirteen now

And don't know how my friends

Could be so mean

I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys

And we drive and drive

Until we've found a town

Far enough away

And we talk and window-shop

Until I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to

Now at school

I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you

Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay

But I know I had the best day

With you today

I have an excellent father

His strength is making me stronger

God smiles on my little brother

Inside and out

He's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house

And I had space to run

And I had the best days with you

There is a video

I found from back when I was three

You set up a paint set in the kitchen

And you're talking to me

It's the age of princesses and pirate ships

And the seven dwarfs

Daddy's smart

And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you were on my side

Even when I was wrong

And I love you for giving me your eyes

Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn't know if you knew

So I'm taking this chance to say

That I had the best day

With you today

Shit, I already bawled my eyes out. Bye.

"She was sad, but it was a hopeful kind of sad.
The kind of sad that just takes time."

Cycle of Hopes

I hope you will finally be able to forgive your past lover(s) that went wrong.

I hope you still have the faith that someone can really make you fall in love again.

I hope he comes along when you least expect it. And when he does, I hope he's amazing.

I hope he is this kind of person who likes to surprise you in a good possible way.

I hope he looks into your eyes with such eagerness.

I hope he listens to your stories about your past and not judge you for it.

I hope he has cute little smirk. And hair. And arms.

I hope he smells good.

And I hope he doesn't mind you hugging him way too tight 'cause you just love his scent so much.

I hope you love how he pronounces certain phrases or words.

I hope you can always enjoy the times you both spend together.

I hope you enjoy each other's company.

I hope he doesn't mind farting in front of you.

I hope he tells you about his dreams and life goals.

And I hope he puts you there, as a part of your future.

I hope he introduces you to his family as this amazing girl when you know you're not really that amazing.

I hope his Dad says that you're beautiful. More beautiful than his ex(s).

I hope he splits the bill with you because I know you like it that way.

And when he doesn't want to split it, I hope it's because he insists to so that he can give you a treat once in a while.

I hope he's okay acting all goofy with you though you both know he looks manly from the outside.

I hope he doesn't mind you taking pictures of him. I mean like, LOTS of them.

I hope he tells you every time you make him happy or mad.

I hope he likes to give you a piggy-back ride.

I hope he likes to pat on your back every time he tries to calm you down.

I hope he has this soft voice he uses to apologise which makes it impossible for you to stay mad at him.

I hope you can still feel the butterflies in your stomach as you discover each other better.

I hope you can get along with his best friends.

I hope he tells you every time he misses you and when he gets jealous.

I hope he likes it when you sing.

I hope he notices that your voice gets deeper when it's late at night.

I hope, as the time goes by, your love for each other grows stronger.

But if it doesn't, I hope it is not because he gets irritated by you not allowing him to eat overcooked meals or telling him to eat more fruits.

I hope it is not because he can not stand being hugged by you for a long time.

And most of all, I hope he doesn't regret you.

I hope you don't cry yourself to sleep for weeks.

I hope you don't get angry.

I hope you can continue your usual life.

I hope you know you are NOT worthless.

I hope you know that there is nothing wrong with you for loving him that much.

I hope you know that he is just a normal human being that happens to stop loving you, and that is okay.

I hope it doesn't tremble you every time you hear his name.

I hope the memories don't haunt you down.

I hope your tears won't come down all of a sudden every time you remember how he told his friends that he was wrong to choose you.

I hope he doesn't regret you.

I hope you will heal anytime soon.

I hope you are able to forgive him because maybe he just doesn't know what he's doing.

I hope you still believe in love and its magic.


Until then, I hope you can learn to love again.

Oh God, I hope he doesn't regret you. I really do.

(...I wish he didn't)