Wednesday, April 26, 2017

IF

IF we break up, I want closure.
None of this bitter high school mentality that usually follows after someone leaves.

I want a long talk about what went wrong, why we couldn't fix it, and how we'll move on afterward.
I want to know how I made you feel and what thought-process led you to the decision you're making.

Because if I spent a fraction of my life devoted to loving you, you can't expect me to let you go without any explanation as to why you're going in the first place.
If I love you, there will always be a piece of me that loves you.

So let's talk it through and forgive each other.
Neither of us are perfect and we're both still learning how to love.

And that's okay, it is.

But instead of seeing each other the next day and awkwardly pretending we weren't anything at all, let's forgive each other now and move on. Make peace.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

My 2016 in A Nutshell

Gue kira 2015 udah jahat banget sama gue, ternyata 2016 kemarin lebih 'luar biasa'.

Di tahun itu gue belajar kalau people can surprise you in a way you have never imagined before.

Tahun dimana gue bahkan pernah ngerasa takut dengan matahari terbit just because it was SO hard to seize the day at the moment.

The worst thing was, setahun itu gue nggak bisa jadi diri sendiri seutuhnya. I was absolutely broken inside. I couldn't express myself at most times. Heck, even getting up from bed was the hardest thing to do.

I kept it all together too much, to the point where I let myself down.

That year, I had never felt more of a coward yet more of a fighter.

But damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. I made it here now.

So here's to the New Year.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Bad, Bad Habit of Mine

"I have a habit of remembering everything."

"That's great though. It must come in handy, you know, with work meetings and I know it did with school.. with your GPA", he flashed his signature smile, and then I remembered the first time he ever looked at me like that."

***

I was a freshman in college, awkward, and uncomfortable.

I had been staring, lost in thought, into my cup of water. And he had been staring, lost in thought, at me. When we both snapped out of it, he beamed at me, and that was the moment I knew he'd change my life.

***

"Yeah, now you know why I did so well, so it's a blessing I guess", I smiled and swished my drink around in the glass, unintentionally recreating our first interaction. "But it's also a curse," I sighed.

"Why?" he asked, with a mouth full. I can't help but smile at this boy.

"Because I remember everything, both the good and the bad. The way someone held me. The last words someone said to me. The first time someone smiled at me."

My stomach lurched. I knew that I was talking about him, and I hoped that he did too.

"I remember how it feels like to love someone and how it feels like to lose them. I remember it all, and the pain doesn't lessen with time. Trust me, it's a curse to relive losing someone every time you think of them."

"Do you remember stuff about me?"

"Of course. You love pasta, and visual design is your passion. The first time you told me you loved me, you didn't mean to. I had been acting like an idiot..."

"As usual," he cut in.

"Shut up," I laughed.

"...It slipped out and about two seconds later, terror clouded your face. You love the color black, and you don't like being vulnerable. You didn't knew you had a talent in music until you were in college. Your left foot can wrench at any time because of that car accident you had..."

My voice trailed off, and suddenly, the wooden table in front of me seemed like the most interesting thing in the world, anything to keep myself from meeting his eyes, "I know it's creepy. I...I remember too much."

He shrugged and smiled ruefully, like the temptation was too great to pass up, "does it still hurt to think about us?"

"Yeah, it does. More than you'll ever know."

Monday, November 28, 2016

Sometimes I'd look at him and he'd look at me and we'd just know, you know? Our eyes spoke more than our mouths ever did. Some of his glances said "I want you right now" and others  said "it's okay, I'm here", but as time passed by they turned into looks of "I miss you too" and "I'm sorry we couldn't fix things."
"He still asks about you, you know."

She gets a spang of longing and hurt in her chest, "I know."

She whispers, "do you ever think about getting in contact again?"

She's silent for a moment.

"...I would love nothing more than to run to him," she says, smiling, thinking back to him. "...But so much happened. So much hurt. I was broken after it ended. I can't risk having to say goodbye again, it destroyed me for a long time. So, would I want to? I would love nothing more. Will I? No."