Friday, August 11, 2017

Let Go of The Burden, Darling.

Maybe you meant to hurt me and felt like it would help you feel better; you tried to be a good person but just couldn’t figure it out. 
Maybe you just needed a friend but didn’t know how to be one. 
Maybe life got out of control. 
Maybe you were hurt and didn’t know how to say something or thought I wouldn’t understand. 
Maybe I didn’t know the whole story or reacted in a way that made things worse for you.

I’m sorry and I hope things change for you. I hope you learn about love and real goodness. That someday someone shows you what I couldn’t. The present is the only moment I am guaranteed and I want to spend it wishing good things for you instead of being bitter and constantly asking “why”. Life is just too short.

Someday, perhaps in another lifetime, we’ll say hello over coffee. 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

It's not the breakup that hurts, it's everything after.

It's when I go to my regular coffee shop (which happens to be our favorite), on a regular day, ordering my regular menu, and while in the queue I unintentionally start to remember you, us. Your regular menu. The reason why it is your favorite one. How we liked to guess whether the barista would spell your name correctly or not  this time. And then all of a sudden my eyes get teary easily.

It's when I try to think where we went wrong, on those sleepless nights.
(You know our mutual friends like to ask that one question. And I can't come up with the best answer until now.)

Hey, I never got to ask you this, would you tell me where we went wrong?

***

It's when all the flashback starts.

Do you remember this one dinner, when we saw a couple arguing over something, the girl seemed upset and the guy tried to apologize, I wasn't so sure but they were definitely not in a good term. And then we laughed and I joked about us being on that couple's situation someday. "When will it be our turn? What will it be about?" Little did we know our turn was 6 months later.

It's when I go to every places you took me with, which always successfully reminds me of you.

It's when I have to pretend that it didn't hurt me as much because you did not seem to look "hurt", so that people would not see me as this pathetic ex girlfriend. I want to be the 'cool' kind of an ex.

It's when I spend an hour or two to just looking at our old pictures, remembering all the good memories and I know I can't prevent myself to not remember all the bad ones as well. 

It's when I want to tell you SO bad about how much you actually hurt me. How you did things you promised you wouldn't do/be. How you made me now having such trust issues. But when I look at you, when I really look into your eyes and is so close to tell you, I see this person who contributed the happiest days of my life, and I just couldn't spill it out. I thought it wouldn't make things better even if I did, so I changed the subject right away. Or maybe, it's just me who doesn't want to believe you'd hurt me that way.

It's wondering whether you still remember things you got the chance to learn about me or not, because damn, I still do. And does your heart break a little when you do?

It's those times where I can't help but thinking, "did it ever occur to you just how I much you make me feel worthless?"

It's those times me asking myself if your tears on that day were real or not.

It's the moment when I decided to say no, because I can't risk another goodbye.

***

It's when I realize that the pain does not lessen within time. At least not after these 2 years.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

The Girl Who Hates Talking About Themselves

"What scares you about this?"

"I don't know, I suppose it's because I had a shit day at work and usually I would just want to go home and crawl into bed and cry and order pizza in and watch sad movies, but you make me want to talk about my day and what happened and why it was so bad and, for somebody who hates talking about themselves, that's fucking terrifying, you know? Finding someone you want to talk to, like really talk to, it's scary because you don't know how long they'll bother listening."

Thursday, July 13, 2017

My Dream Wedding

There must come a time for a girl to think about her own dream wedding. And mine, just happened to be tonight.

(Sebenernya yang gue pikirin lebih ke resepsinya sih, karena akad ya bakal gitu-gitu ajalah yang penting calon suami gue lancar ngucapin ijab kabulnya HAHAHA.)

That giant tree with those hanging lights. Oh my.



Yep, I have this thing with lightssssss!
 ...for my future Mother in law. :'D

And you can NOT forget about the wedding playlist!

  1. How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) - Marvin Gaye
  2. At Last - Etta James
  3. Marry Your Daughter - BRKN RBTZ
  4. This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) - Natalie Cole
  5. Cherry Wine - Hozier
  6. Here, There, And Everywhere - The Beatles
  7. Marry Me - Train
  8. You And Me - Lifehouse
  9. Grow Old With You - Adam Sandler
  10. Better Together - Jack Johnson
  11. Perfect - Ed Sheeran
  12. Close Your Eyes - Michael Buble
  13. You're Still The One - Shania Twain
  14. Marry You - Bruno Mars
  15. I Do - Colbie Caillat
  16. Your Song - Elton John
  17. How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees
  18. Make You Feel My Love - Adele
  19. Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - Bryan Adams
  20. Die A Happy Man - Thomas Rett
  21. I'll Make Love To You - Boyz II Men
  22. September Song - JP Cooper
  23. Honeymoon - Johnny Stimson
  24. Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
  25. Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
  26. Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran
  27. From This Moment - Shania Twain
  28. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars
  29. Endless Love - Diana Ross
  30. More Than Words - Extreme
  31. Let's Fall In Love - Diana Krall
  32. Overjoyed - Stevie Wonder
  33. The Way You Look Tonight - Tony Bennett
  34. Eternal Flame - The Bangles
  35. This I Promise You - *NSYNC
  36. End Of The Road - Boyz II Men
  37. Everytime I Close My Eyes - Babyface
  38. Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion
  39. The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
  40. Not A Bad Thing - Justin Timberlake
  41. My Everything - Ariana Grande
  42. (the list will keep on updating until my wedding day)

Note to self: Dear Future Me, you have to compromise this dream wedding of yours with your fiance!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

IF

IF we break up, I want closure.
None of this bitter high school mentality that usually follows after someone leaves.

I want a long talk about what went wrong, why we couldn't fix it, and how we'll move on afterward.
I want to know how I made you feel and what thought-process led you to the decision you're making.

Because if I spent a fraction of my life devoted to loving you, you can't expect me to let you go without any explanation as to why you're going in the first place.
If I love you, there will always be a piece of me that loves you.

So let's talk it through and forgive each other.
Neither of us are perfect and we're both still learning how to love.

And that's okay, it is.

But instead of seeing each other the next day and awkwardly pretending we weren't anything at all, let's forgive each other now and move on. Make peace.