Friday, March 2, 2018

The Omelet

I promise this will be the last post I write about you.

I mean it.

Because I get it all now. I get why you said that I deserve someone better, that you couldn't give it another shot, and that we were just not for each other. And I'm sorry it took me three years to realize.


Oh, and by the way. The last two months were the longest I've had in a long time to not cry over what happened with us. Which is such a big deal for me. In those two months, I realize that I can still actually have an interest in something (and someone) other than you. Hehe :'p


Do you remember what I told you about the omelet?

I said, "I'm just saying, the egg is already broken. Let's make a pretty good omelet out of it!"

...Well, we made a pretty good one, didn't we?

Monday, January 1, 2018

That One Day When You Feel Most Loved.

...Apalagi kalau bukan hari ulangtahun?


Ulangtahun Desember kemarin agak sedikit beda aja gitu menurut gue. Rata-rata orang-orang yang ngasih ucapan tuh thoughtful gituloh. Wkwkwkwk I hope they did mean it sih...sedih aja beb kalo engga. :(

Saking senengnya gue sampe screenshot-in ucapan orang-orang yang paling bisa ngambil hati gue (Berhubung saya anaknya awet bener nih ngejomblo, harus pinter-pinter bikin diri sendiri seneng, ya khaaan...). I would like to share it here, tapi kok ya udah ngantuk banget ya sekarang... besok ajadeh ya... *lah berasa lagi ngepost di twitter ceu?!* HAHAHA

Annual Journal

Yes, that pic above is my version of 2017 best nine. Latah juga gue nyobain itu, hahahaha.

Gara-gara gambar itu, gue jadi merenung...semuanya foto diri sendiri gue, coyyy. Narsis banget gak sih?! Udah gitu sebagian besar fotonya diambil waktu gue lagi liburan tahun baru 2017 dan liburan musim panas. Kayak "bisanya cuman ngabisin duit Bapak lau aja woyyy?!"


Padahal nih ya, harusnya tahun ini gue udah punya foto pake toga waktu wisuda sendiri. Terus kalau udah wisuda pasti dibolehin naik gunung. Terus hasil IELTS bisa digunakan sebagaimana mestinya sebelum tanggal kadaluarsanya. Terus gue bisa apply kerja sembari nunggu LoA. Terus, terus, terus...ah sudahlah bisa stress gue kalau sebutin semuanya.

Zuzur zedih banget beb. :"(


I know that we can't always get what we want. And I know everybody has their own timezone.

The thing is, I'm not even sure whether I had tried my best to get there or not. Well, honestly, I guess I had not. I feel like a total failure. Ugh, I hate this.


On the bright side, di penghujung tahun ini gue memutuskan memakai hijab. HAHAHAHAHA. I KNOW, EVEN I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE THAT DECISION THIS YEAR.

Mau cerita ya, jadi sebenernya I had every reason to wear hijab as soon as possible. Gimane enggak cuy, dari keluarga emak gue semua anak perempuannya udah pada pake kerudung semua (yang lebih muda daripada gue pun udah). Jadi kalau lebaran atau sekedar ngumpul doang, gue doang tuh anak cewek yang rambutnya beterbangan kemana-mana. Bapak gue juga se-pingin itu gue pake kerudung tapi gamau gue lepas-pake-lepas-pake jadi katanya kalau emang belum siap mending gausah dipaksa. Kalau dari keluarga Bapak gue? Untung aja kristen :') wkwkwk ya jadi ga besar-besar amat sik tekanannya.

Lagipula, gue tuh masih pingin wisuda nanti pake kebaya yang nerawang-nerawang gitu bahannya. Nikahan pingin pake dress yang semacam itu juga. Masih banyak baju-baju & topi-topi lucu yang belum gue cobain. Masih pingin cat rambut. Masih pingin foto di Blue Lagoon Iceland tanpa ribet harus pake ciput segala. "Will I be less attractive?", "Kok kayaknya kelakuan gue masih belum pantes ya buat pake kerudung?", "nanti kalo naik wahana bakal susah gak ya?", "aduh gue anaknya gampang banget kegerahan". Daaaaaan lain-lain.

And, you know what? Pada suatu pagi di bulan Desember ini, POOF! Hilang aja gitu beban-beban pikiran yang begitu. Jadi, kalau gue ditanya kenapa gue pake kerudung, gue bakal jawab: I don't have anymore reason NOT to wear hijab. Sesimpel itu. Mungkin itu ya yang namanya hidayah... #unjust hahahaha but seriously, it just happened. When it's your time, you'll know what I mean.

Moreover, gue mayan seneng aja karena sekarang I don't feel like I need anyone's approval of how I may appear to their eyes. Man, people's opinion on how I look used to make me feel insecure about myself.

Oh iya, gue ingin berterimakasih juga untuk semuanya yang sudah mendukung gue dengan keputusan gue ini. Your kind words did make me feel like I made a right choice. And don't tell me that was nothing. :')


Wishing everyone a fresh start in 2018! I hope this year will be a pay-off moment to all of us. Aamiin. 

Friday, August 11, 2017

Let Go of The Burden, Darling.

Maybe you meant to hurt me and felt like it would help you feel better; you tried to be a good person but just couldn’t figure it out. 
Maybe you just needed a friend but didn’t know how to be one. 
Maybe life got out of control. 
Maybe you were hurt and didn’t know how to say something or thought I wouldn’t understand. 
Maybe I didn’t know the whole story or reacted in a way that made things worse for you.

I’m sorry and I hope things change for you. I hope you learn about love and real goodness. That someday someone shows you what I couldn’t. The present is the only moment I am guaranteed and I want to spend it wishing good things for you instead of being bitter and constantly asking “why”. Life is just too short.

Someday, perhaps in another lifetime, we’ll say hello over coffee. 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

It's not the breakup that hurts, it's everything after.

It's when I go to my regular coffee shop (which happens to be our favorite), on a regular day, ordering my regular menu, and while in the queue I unintentionally start to remember you, us. Your regular menu. The reason why it is your favorite one. How we liked to guess whether the barista would spell your name correctly or not  this time. And then all of a sudden my eyes get teary easily.

It's when I try to think where we went wrong, on those sleepless nights.
(You know our mutual friends like to ask that one question. And I can't come up with the best answer until now.)

Hey, I never got to ask you this, would you tell me where we went wrong?


It's when all the flashback starts.

Do you remember this one dinner, when we saw a couple arguing over something, the girl seemed upset and the guy tried to apologize, I wasn't so sure but they were definitely not in a good term. And then we laughed and I joked about us being on that couple's situation someday. "When will it be our turn? What will it be about?" Little did we know our turn was 6 months later.

It's when I go to every places you took me with, which always successfully reminds me of you.

It's when I have to pretend that it didn't hurt me as much because you did not seem to look "hurt", so that people would not see me as this pathetic ex girlfriend. I want to be the 'cool' kind of an ex.

It's when I spend an hour or two to just looking at our old pictures, remembering all the good memories and I know I can't prevent myself to not remember all the bad ones as well. 

It's when I want to tell you SO bad about how much you actually hurt me. How you did things you promised you wouldn't do/be. How you made me now having such trust issues. But when I look at you, when I really look into your eyes and is so close to tell you, I see this person who contributed the happiest days of my life, and I just couldn't spill it out. I thought it wouldn't make things better even if I did, so I changed the subject right away. Or maybe, it's just me who doesn't want to believe you'd hurt me that way.

It's wondering whether you still remember things you got the chance to learn about me or not, because damn, I still do. And does your heart break a little when you do?

It's those times where I can't help but thinking, "did it ever occur to you just how I much you make me feel worthless?"

It's those times me asking myself if your tears on that day were real or not.

It's the moment when I decided to say no, because I can't risk another goodbye.


It's when I realize that the pain does not lessen within time. At least not after these 2 years.