Sebelum Terlambat

Hai, De. Apa kabar? How is it like up there? :')

Happy 22nd Birthday, ya, De. Gimana rasanya ngerayain ulangtahun di surga? Hehe. Maafin gue belum bisa mampir kesana yah.

De, mau minta maaf lagi kalau sampe sekarang gue masih suka nangis tiap inget lo udah gaada. Kalau inget gue gaakan pernah bisa ketemu lo lagi setiap pulang ke rumah kalau lagi libur puasa. Kalau inget muka Ayah dan Mama lo yang sangat 'hancur' ketika gue ngelayat dan dengan sekejap mereka meluk gue dan menangis karena mereka teringat oleh anak-anak sepantaran lo begini. Padahal kita tau beliau adalah orangtua yang sangat suka membuat lelucon ketika lo masih ada. 

Gue sangat ikhlas kok, De. Karena gue percaya Allah mengambil lo secepat ini karena Dia engga mau lo kesakitan terus. Umat Islam mana yang gak mau meninggal di hari Jum'at setelah adzan subuh? I sometimes wonder why God takes a lot of good people's lives too soon. It still hurts until now karena ini pengalaman pertama gue kehilangan seorang teman untuk selama-lamanya. I never imagined myself scrolling through your instagram feed and knowing what you suffer from all this time. I never imagined myself walking into your house and staring at those flowers from people to send their deepest condolences for you. Tapi bener deh, gue ikhlas. Jadi Dea bisa tenang yah, De, disana. :)

Terimakasih, De. Untuk semua kenangan masa kecil sampai remaja yang kita punya bareng-bareng. You know it is so rare to have a really good bond with neighbours, but we do. Dan gue sangat beruntung bisa punya kalian. My childhood would never be the same without you guys. Kalau gak begini, gue gaakan pernah bersyukur untuk kesehatan yang gue punya. Kalau gak gini, gue gak akan pernah tau betapa beruntungnya gue yang tidak divonis punya penyakit yang sampai sekarang penyebab dan penyembuhannya pun belum bisa diketahui oleh dokter. Elo yang jadi motivasi gue untuk bisa ngegambar (walaupun tetep gak sejago elo). Elo yang pernah berargumen dengan gue tentang siapa yang boleh suka sama Mark Westlife dan akhirnya kita memutuskan lo dengan Bryan dan gue dengan Shane. Hahahaha good old times we had back then, huh? :)

***

Sebenernya gue nulis ini mau mengingatkan kita semua untuk tidak pernah menunda kebaikan yang ingin kita berikan ke orang lain. Sekecil apapun itu. Karena kita gaakan pernah tau sampai kapan kita ada di dunia ini. Bisa jadi kita yang duluan gaada, bisa juga mereka. Karena rasa kecewa sama diri sendiri karena menunda menjenguk seorang teman dan mengenalkannya dengan teman sesama penderita dengan tujuan "biar Dea tau dia ga sendiri and she still can survive all this" sampai dapet kabar kalau dia udah keburu 'engga ada'. Percaya deh sama gue. It haunts me down until now.

***

Happy 22nd Birthday once again to you, De. Hope you had a good one. Pfft, what am I even talking about? I know heaven served you good today and always will. ;)

You, Tika, Me, Hani

Happy Birthday, My Go-To Guy!

"The only time you truly become an adult is when you finally forgive your parents for being just as flawed as everyone else."

This quote gets me. I mean, I don't know about you, but I have reached that point where I thought that this quote: "A father is the only guy who will never break your heart" is another form of what we'd like to call 'bullshit'. I have reached that point where I swore to myself that I would NEVER forgive my Dad for whatever he had done to me and my family. Yes, I hated him THAT much. 

As I grew older, I realised that I can never truly hate my parents. Because you see, they are ALWAYS gonna be there. No, matter, what.

Selamat ulangtahun yang ke-52, Bapakku yang paling galak. Bapakku yang paling ganteng di rumah. Bapakku yang gak kesampean punya anak laki-laki yang bisa mainin alat band di rumah. Bapakku yang mau aja nurutin (hampir semua) kemauan anaknya yang paling banyak mau ini. Bapakku yang dulu kalau gue jatoh pasti dimarahin dulu baru diobatin. Bapakku yang gasuka kalau anak-anaknya jajan sembarangan tapi kalau udah terlanjur tetep aja dibiarin walau sambil ngedumel. Bapakku yang gak pernah ngebolehin gue potong rambut pendek (entah kenapa).

As much as I hate to admit it, I see a lot of myself in you. Hahaha. Semoga semua anak-anak Bapak sempet bikin Bapak bangga, ya. :')

Thank you for showing me what it means to support someone unconditionally even when they haven't been entirely honest with you. And how everybody needs somebody to be inspired by. Somebody who sets the bar really high. Somebody who'll put someone else's needs before their own and not resent them for it. Somebody who always expects you to do the right thing and then forgives you when you don't.

Oh, by the way, there is this Taylor Swift's song I love so much that always succeeds to make me cry every time I listen to it 'cause it just reminds me of my Father.

"The Best Day"

I'm five years old

It's getting cold

I've got my big coat on

I hear your laugh

And look up smiling at you

I run and run

Past the pumpkin patch

And the tractor rides

Look now -- the sky is gold

I hug your legs and fall asleep

On the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you're not scared of anything at all

Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away

But I know I had the best day

With you today

I'm thirteen now

And don't know how my friends

Could be so mean

I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys

And we drive and drive

Until we've found a town

Far enough away

And we talk and window-shop

Until I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to

Now at school

I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you

Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay

But I know I had the best day

With you today

I have an excellent father

His strength is making me stronger

God smiles on my little brother

Inside and out

He's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house

And I had space to run

And I had the best days with you

There is a video

I found from back when I was three

You set up a paint set in the kitchen

And you're talking to me

It's the age of princesses and pirate ships

And the seven dwarfs

Daddy's smart

And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you were on my side

Even when I was wrong

And I love you for giving me your eyes

Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn't know if you knew

So I'm taking this chance to say

That I had the best day

With you today

Shit, I already bawled my eyes out. Bye.

"She was sad, but it was a hopeful kind of sad.
The kind of sad that just takes time."

Cycle of Hopes

I hope you will finally be able to forgive your past lover(s) that went wrong.

I hope you still have the faith that someone can really make you fall in love again.

I hope he comes along when you least expect it. And when he does, I hope he's amazing.

I hope he is this kind of person who likes to surprise you in a good possible way.

I hope he looks into your eyes with such eagerness.

I hope he listens to your stories about your past and not judge you for it.

I hope he has cute little smirk. And hair. And arms.

I hope he smells good.

And I hope he doesn't mind you hugging him way too tight 'cause you just love his scent so much.

I hope you love how he pronounces certain phrases or words.

I hope you can always enjoy the times you both spend together.

I hope you enjoy each other's company.

I hope he doesn't mind farting in front of you.

I hope he tells you about his dreams and life goals.

And I hope he puts you there, as a part of your future.

I hope he introduces you to his family as this amazing girl when you know you're not really that amazing.

I hope his Dad says that you're beautiful. More beautiful than his ex(s).

I hope he splits the bill with you because I know you like it that way.

And when he doesn't want to split it, I hope it's because he insists to so that he can give you a treat once in a while.

I hope he's okay acting all goofy with you though you both know he looks manly from the outside.

I hope he doesn't mind you taking pictures of him. I mean like, LOTS of them.

I hope he tells you every time you make him happy or mad.

I hope he likes to give you a piggy-back ride.

I hope he likes to pat on your back every time he tries to calm you down.

I hope he has this soft voice he uses to apologise which makes it impossible for you to stay mad at him.

I hope you can still feel the butterflies in your stomach as you discover each other better.

I hope you can get along with his best friends.

I hope he tells you every time he misses you and when he gets jealous.

I hope he likes it when you sing.

I hope he notices that your voice gets deeper when it's late at night.

I hope, as the time goes by, your love for each other grows stronger.

But if it doesn't, I hope it is not because he gets irritated by you not allowing him to eat overcooked meals or telling him to eat more fruits.

I hope it is not because he can not stand being hugged by you for a long time.

And most of all, I hope he doesn't regret you.

I hope you don't cry yourself to sleep for weeks.

I hope you don't get angry.

I hope you can continue your usual life.

I hope you know you are NOT worthless.

I hope you know that there is nothing wrong with you for loving him that much.

I hope you know that he is just a normal human being that happens to stop loving you, and that is okay.

I hope it doesn't tremble you every time you hear his name.

I hope the memories don't haunt you down.

I hope your tears won't come down all of a sudden every time you remember how he told his friends that he was wrong to choose you.

I hope he doesn't regret you.

I hope you will heal anytime soon.

I hope you are able to forgive him because maybe he just doesn't know what he's doing.

I hope you still believe in love and its magic.


Until then, I hope you can learn to love again.

Oh God, I hope he doesn't regret you. I really do.

(...I wish he didn't)

#Random

It's okay. I didn't know how to love you right either. The only difference is that while you gave up, I never wanted to stop trying to learn how.

How To Break A Heart

Daymn, this is deep.

#Random

You can't confuse someone's feeling just because you're unsure of your own. That's not fair.

8 Awesome Years of Friendship

"(put any number here) years of friendship! Yay!"

Kalimat di atas adalah kalimat yang lagi sering-seringnya saya baca sebagai caption foto teman-teman saya di berbagai media sosial. Terlebih lagi saat bulan Ramadhan seperti ini, dimana semua orang sedang gencar-gencarnya bersilaturahmi.

It's not me being cynical and skeptical (or maybe I am), tapi menurut saya angka yang tercantum di kalimat-kalimat itu seolah menunjukkan kita berlomba-lomba siapa yang memiliki angka terbesar. Sampai kita lupa kalau sebenarnya yang terpenting bukanlah durasi, melainkan memori.

Perkara 'lama' atau 'sebentar' itu memang relatif. Namun, bagi saya delapan tahun bukan waktu yang singkat dan mudah untuk menjalin sebuah hubungan pertemanan. Apalagi isinya 6 orang perempuan semua begini.

Waktu itu kami cuma enam anak perempuan berumur sekitar 12 tahun yang baru aja duduk di bangku Sekolah Menengah Pertama. Awalnya saya cuma kenal Dinda dan Jihan karena kami bertiga ketemu di OSIS, eh terus aja pas lagi main bareng dikenalin sama yang lain (Dhona, Dillah, Eka) karena mereka semua kebetulan sekelas tapi tidak dengan saya. And we just kinda 'clicked' since then. Kayaknya waktu itu nggak ada yang mengira kalau kami bakal temenan sampai sekarang. Ya, tahu apa, sih, anak SMP tentang sahabat sejati?

Lulus dari SMP, kita semua mencar di SMA. We still kept in touch though. Ngobrol di grup chat. Jalan sesekali. Walau memang frekuensi ketemu kami nggak se-intense saat masih SMP dulu, tapi kami tetap menyempatkan bertemu setiap ada yang ulangtahun atau jika salah satu dari kami ada yang sedang down parah. We were still there for each other, at least for the big moments.

Selesai SMA pun kami masih harus dipisahkan karena tempat kuliah yang berbeda-beda. Ajaibnya, semua masih terasa sama tiap kali kami bertemu.

I honestly did not expect our friendship to last THAT long. I never did. And now that it has been eight freaking years, I am thinking to myself, "whoa, how did it happen? Well, I'm holding on to these ones."

I mean, how can I not hold on to them?

We've had so many histories together. We've shared a lot; secrets, laugh, tears, jokes, clothes, make-up, food, anything (except boyfriend of course HAHA). We almost know anything about each other. And that's the thing about them. I love how I can always tell them any thing I can never tell another person about.

It's just nice having someone who makes us who we really are every time we're around them. Lucky me, I got five. 

***

To all 5 girls whom I would like to call my best friends:

Din, karena kebetulan aja sih tempat kuliah kita paling deket, jadi lo yang paling sering gue temuin kalo ada apa-apa (WKWKWK). Trims ngedh ya. Udah mau sekedar nemenin gue makan, konsultasi percintaan, nyanyi-nyanyi lagu Taylor Swift dengan sepenuh jiwa raga dimanapun dan kapanpun, mau nginep di kosan gue nemenin bobok padahal besoknya lo kuliah jam 7 pagi karena gue waktu itu lagi rapuh banget (WKWKWK). Makasih juga buat keluarga lo yang sangat welcome dan warm. Makasih ceceh dan Bang Egha udah pernah traktir cireng. Makasih nyokap lo yang pernah nenangin gue pas gue habis dimarahin besar terus gue pergi ke rumah lo. :') Jangan sakit-sakit lagi ya, Din. :( Gak malu apa kita jengukin sambil bawa kerincingan bayi lagi?

Dhon, lo adalah salah satu orang terselow yang pernah gue temui. Cewek yang terkenal gonta-ganti pacar pas SMP eh pas SMA malah stuck di satu orang sampe sekarang (HAHAHA). Cewek yang dulu gaada keliatan tampang suka K-Pop, sekarang di group paling berisik kalo udah bicara soal Kai EXO (HAHAHAHA). Terimakasih buat lelucon-leluconnya selama ini. Terimakasih buat temen-temen sekolah lo yang otaknya sama sedengnya kayak lo. Hm, you know you don't talk very much, Dhon. Tapi sekalinya lo berkoar, beeeuuuhhh! That is whyyy gue sangat terharu waktu lo tiba-tiba bilang ke gue "keep being a smart and cheerful girl I know" when I was having a rough breakup. :') Terimakasih sudah mengajari gue kalau it's okay to be yourself. Lo jarrrang banget ngeluh soal berat badan. Lo tetep makan kwetiau kapanpun lo mau (HAHA). You're pretty and funny and smart, Dhon. Don't ever let people tell you otherwise, okay?

Dil, jujur gue banyak belajar dari lo. Makasih buat perspektif-perspektif masalah percintaan yang suka lo kasih buat kita. Gue tau lo udah khatam banget masalah beginian. Ya gimana engga, kelar SMP aja mantan udah 8 biji, ye gak? :') lo paling muda di antara kita, tapi pemikiran lo udah kayak Mamah Dedeh. Bangga deh aq. Makasih banget udah selalu jujur tentang apapun itu. Kadang emang suka bikin gemes kalo lo udah ceplas ceplos begitu, tapi ya itu elo. Dan kita emang butuh orang yang gak ngomong manis melulu tapi 'nampar' kita supaya bisa jadi lebih baik (lah 'kita'? gue aja kali ye). Seperti yang udah pernah gue bilang, lo adalah orang yang mengajari gue arti persahabatan dengan kesederhanaannya namun dengan segalanya. #Anjasss gak kata-kata gue?

Han, entah kenapa dari dulu gue paling gampang banget ngambek sama lo. Gara-gara udah terlalu nyaman dari pertama kenal kali yah. Hahahaha. You're complicated. In a good possible way, of course. Satu hal yang pasti tenting lo, lo orangnya sangatlah loyal. Udah sering gue ambekin, tapi tetep aja masih mau temenan sama gue. Somehow I know I can always count on you. :') Makasih banget han selama ini udah mau-mau aja setiap gue ajakin bertingkah aneh. Lo itu pokoknya kayak chitato. Dengan chitato, life is never flat, ceunah.

Kah, lo adalah contoh nyata kalo cewek itu sebenernya setangguh apapun dia keliatannya, tapi tetep aja butuh kasih sayang. It's funny how much I see myself in you. :') Makasih banget kah udah mau nerima pendapat-pendapat kita. Gak bosen-bosennya gue bilang ini, bukannya ngebela Iky, but we know how much you love each other so we want to make sure that you don't do something that you will regret later. Tapi tenang aja, if HE hurts you, then we will be the first ones who kick his dick. ;)

Lucu kalau inget kelakuan kita dari dulu, woy. Tradisi ceplok telor tiap ultah yang berujung mandi bareng. Minjem motor orang bonceng tiga ketawa-tawa di jalan terus pas belokan kepeleset alhasil jatoh di penutup got rumah orang terus pot bunganya pecah (padahal pot tanah liat yang super keras gitu) terus kabur. Ditipu orang sampe HP ilang barengan (INI BODOH BANGET HAHA). Dijambret percis di depan rumah pas lagi naik motor terus malah berani-beraninya ngejar malingnya. Those stupid reckless actions which turned out to be the best memories we can now laugh at every time we remember them. I am forever grateful for that.

Gue takjub sama kalian yang bisa menghadapi gue, sumpah.

Gue. Gue yang kalo lagi kesel ngomongnya sarkasme udah gitu suka gapake filter. Gue yang dikit-dikit ngambek kalo lagi semangat ngomong tapi gak disimak sama lawan bicaranya. Gue yang suka ngambek kalo ada seseorang yang ngebatalin janji ketemu jadinya gabisa ngumpul full team. Gue yang kalo ngambek sukanya giving everyone a silent treatment instead of working things out. Gue yang dulu selalu meremehkan yang namanya 'patah hati'. Gue yang dulu gak suka banget ngomongin cowok sampe dikira orang-orang lesbi. I always wonder if someone will ever fall in love with my words, that's all I ever am. And I think you all do, ya kan ya kan? *maksa* :") Gue cuma mau bilang, you girls are spectacular beyond words for keeping up with that. Bukan cuma itu, you actually help me to grow. To become a better person.

Growing up with you girls has made me realize how much of a control-freak I am. And it took a lot of guts for me to admit that. We know we all can be our own version of bitch at times, dan gue sebenernya terharu semakin kesini kita semakin bisa ngehandlenya. Betul ternyata, "semua akan 'ya udah lah ya' pada waktunya."

When someone's bad habits are pointed out to you, it's hard to ignore them, but if you love them enough, they're easy to forget. - Ted (How I Met Your Mother)

Gak bisa dipungkiri, dulu kita juga sering banget berantem. Bahkan ada yang pernah suka sama satu cowok yang sama (HAHAHA). I am glad we figured things out. Ibaratnya dulu kita kayak sinetron, banyak drama berbumbunya, tapi sekarang udah lebih kayak film dokumenter. Ibaratnya lagi (kalo kata Dillah) dulu kita banyak 'ombak'nya, tapi sekarang perjalanan kita udah di laut dalam pake kapal besar bukan arung jeram. #TSAH

Hmm.. Kayaknya gak afdol ya kalo post ini gaada foto-fotonya. So here we go! :D

Our latest pic :') We all missed each other's 20th birthday so that was why I bought us a cake so we could still blow the candles together.

Udah jadi mahasiswi :')

Alhamdulillah bukber tahun lalu bermanfaat yah :')

Tragedi Dinda kabur dari rumah karena deg-degan pengumuman STAN :')

Dinda kabur cuma bermodal dompet jadi ngakak bukannya ikut deg-degan :')

Ultah Jihan ke-17 :')

Another editan gaul gueh :') Kenapasih gak gue save yang aslinya :')

Din, kenapa kita so(k) sweet? :')

This is probably the sweetest gift I've ever received :')

Tragedi 'Babi Ngepet' dan ini foto terakhir bareng motor vario Jihan :')

Sok-sokan foto taunya diceplokin dari belakang :') Sakit banget lho gaboong :')

Ini pas ultah Dillah yang ke-16 tapi lilin '6' nya salah beli kebalik jadi '9' :')

Dhona kenapa :')

It's just another random thing we love to do :')

Inget banget ini waktu kelas 10 gue kabur ke rumah Dhona karena terpukul berat pertama kalinya dapet nilai di bawah 50. Lebay banget hidup dan mata sembab gueh. :')

Awal-awal baru jadi anak SMA :')

Hore lulus SMP :'D

Waktu lagi gila bola: World Cup 2010 :')

Sementara itu Eka yang gangerti bola malah nulis 'CMH' yang artinya Cimahi :')

Ulangtahun Dillah ke-15 yang failed karena ketauan orangnya pas kita lagi ngumpet. Terus gue inget banget BHnya Dillah dicopot Dhona sama Jihan dari luar pas lagi bilas huhu brutal abis. :')

Ayunannya jeblos betulan :')

Dulu kalo belum webcam-an pake cameroid belum gaul, ya, Han? :')

OMG editan alay gueh :')

Perpisahan SMP ke Jogja :')

Dohan :')

Kalian kenapa :')

Ala-ala banget gakuat :')

Beberapa hari menjelang UN :')

Habis les privat H-3 UN malah begini kelakuan :')

Habis pengajian akbar menuju UN :')

Dillah KANGEN BAND :')

Dulu belum ngerti foto studio jadinya maksa begini :')

Dinda kenapa :')

Taking pictures at cinema was a thing back then :')

Ya Allah untung aku gaikut foto :')

Kita kenapa :')

Gaul banget gakuat :')

Tempat nongkrong favorit kalo Mas Ikun penuh: depan R. OSIS :')

Ngakak banget liatnya :')

Met ultah yang ke-14, Dil :')

Diceburin ke empang :')

Gaada yang mau bantuin bilas kecuali Jihan :')

I'm such a picture hoarder, aren't I?!?!

Itu masih sebagian kecil bahkan. Di folder laptop gue masih banyak tapi ya keles juga kalo semuanya dishare di sini.

GUE ENGGAK SABAR, WOI. Gak sabar datengin sidang kalian. Gak sabar foto bareng kalian pake toga. Gak sabar tau nama pacarnya Dhona selanjutnya. Gak sabar tau siapa di antara kita yang pertama nikah. Gak sabar datengin acara lamaran kalian. Gak sabar bantuin kalian pilih-pilih menu makanan dan gaun untuk nikahan kalian. Gak sabar dandan bareng pas hari H jadi bridesmaids. Gak sabar nungguin di luar ruangan bersalin pas kalian lahiran. Gak sabar tukeran gendong anak. Gak sabar ajak main bareng anak masing-masing. Gak sabar liburan bareng keluarga masing-masing dan taking a looot of nice pictures pastinya. Gak sabar ceritain tentang kita ke anak-anak kita nanti pas mereka udah ngerti. Gak sabar. Gak sabar. Gak sabarrr. Ugh gemesh.

Anjir. Cewek-cewek ringsek kayak kalian bakal kayak gimana ya pas jadi istri dan Ibu nanti? :')

Hahahahaha jauh banget ye mimpi gue. Ya namanya manusia ya, apalagi gue. Banyak maunya.

Sekarang, selamat belajar dulu lah buat kita. Yuk, kuliah yang bener. Senengin orangtua. Dapet kerja. Berpenghasilan tetap. Jadi wanita sukses dulu, with or without pacar :') #SelfTalk

SE MA NGAAAD!

Udahan ye. Kamar gue udah banjir nih. Kish kish from Sapada Mountain! :*