August 2, 2017

It's not the breakup that hurts, it's everything after.

It's when I go to my regular coffee shop (which happens to be our favorite), on a regular day, ordering my regular menu, and while in the queue I unintentionally start to remember you, us. Your regular menu. The reason why it is your favorite one. How we liked to guess whether the barista would spell your name correctly or not  this time. And then all of a sudden my eyes get teary easily.

It's when I try to think where we went wrong, on those sleepless nights.
(You know our mutual friends like to ask that one question. And I can't come up with the best answer until now.)

Hey, I never got to ask you this, would you tell me where we went wrong?

***

It's when all the flashback starts.

Do you remember this one dinner, when we saw a couple arguing over something, the girl seemed upset and the guy tried to apologize, I wasn't so sure but they were definitely not in a good term. And then we laughed and I joked about us being on that couple's situation someday. "When will it be our turn? What will it be about?" Little did we know our turn was 6 months later.

It's when I go to every places you took me with, which always successfully reminds me of you.

It's when I have to pretend that it didn't hurt me as much because you did not seem to look "hurt", so that people would not see me as this pathetic ex girlfriend. I want to be the 'cool' kind of an ex.

It's when I spend an hour or two to just looking at our old pictures, remembering all the good memories and I know I can't prevent myself to not remember all the bad ones as well. 

It's when I want to tell you SO bad about how much you actually hurt me. How you did things you promised you wouldn't do/be. How you made me now having such trust issues. But when I look at you, when I really look into your eyes and is so close to tell you, I see this person who contributed the happiest days of my life, and I just couldn't spill it out. I thought it wouldn't make things better even if I did, so I changed the subject right away. Or maybe, it's just me who doesn't want to believe you'd hurt me that way.

It's wondering whether you still remember things you got the chance to learn about me or not, because damn, I still do. And does your heart break a little when you do?

It's those times where I can't help but thinking, "did it ever occur to you just how I much you make me feel worthless?"

It's those times me asking myself if your tears on that day were real or not.

It's the moment when I decided to say no, because I can't risk another goodbye.

***

It's when I realize that the pain does not lessen within time. At least not after these 2 years.

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