The Girl Who Hates Talking About Themselves

"What scares you about this?"

"I don't know, I suppose it's because I had a shit day at work and usually I would just want to go home and crawl into bed and cry and order pizza in and watch sad movies, but you make me want to talk about my day and what happened and why it was so bad and, for somebody who hates talking about themselves, that's fucking terrifying, you know? Finding someone you want to talk to, like really talk to, it's scary because you don't know how long they'll bother listening."

My Dream Wedding

There must come a time for a girl to think about her own dream wedding. And mine, just happened to be tonight.

(Sebenernya yang gue pikirin lebih ke resepsinya sih, karena akad ya bakal gitu-gitu ajalah yang penting calon suami gue lancar ngucapin ijab kabulnya HAHAHA.)

That giant tree with those hanging lights. Oh my.

Yep, I have this thing with lightssssss!

 ...for my future Mother in law. :'D

And you can NOT forget about the wedding playlist!

1. How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) - Marvin Gaye
2. At Last - Etta James
3. Marry Your Daughter - BRKN RBTZ
4. This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) - Natalie Cole
5. Cherry Wine - Hozier
6. Here, There, And Everywhere - The Beatles
7. Marry Me - Train
8. You And Me - Lifehouse
9. Grow Old With You - Adam Sandler
10. Better Together - Jack Johnson
11. Perfect - Ed Sheeran
12. Close Your Eyes - Michael Buble
13. You're Still The One - Shania Twain
14. Marry You - Bruno Mars
15. I Do - Colbie Caillat
16. Your Song - Elton John
17. How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees
18. Make You Feel My Love - Adele
19. Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - Bryan Adams
20. Die A Happy Man - Thomas Rett
21. I'll Make Love To You - Boyz II Men
22. September Song - JP Cooper
23. Honeymoon - Johnny Stimson
24. Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
25. Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
26. Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran
27. From This Moment - Shania Twain
28. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars
29. Endless Love - Diana Ross
30. More Than Words - Extreme
31. Let's Fall In Love - Diana Krall
32. Overjoyed - Stevie Wonder
33. The Way You Look Tonight - Tony Bennett
34. Eternal Flame - The Bangles
35. This I Promise You - *NSYNC
36. End Of The Road - Boyz II Men
37. Everytime I Close My Eyes - Babyface
38. Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion
39. The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
40. Not A Bad Thing - Justin Timberlake
41. My Everything - Ariana Grande
42. (the list will keep on updating until my wedding day)

Note to self: Dear Future Me, you have to compromise this dream wedding of yours with your fiance!

IF

IF we break up, I want closure.

None of this bitter high school mentality that usually follows after someone leaves.

I want a long talk about what went wrong, why we couldn't fix it, and how we'll move on afterward.

I want to know how I made you feel and what thought-process led you to the decision you're making.

Because if I spent a fraction of my life devoted to loving you, you can't expect me to let you go without any explanation as to why you're going in the first place.

If I love you, there will always be a piece of me that loves you.

So let's talk it through and forgive each other.

Neither of us are perfect and we're both still learning how to love.

And that's okay, it is.

But instead of seeing each other the next day and awkwardly pretending we weren't anything at all, let's forgive each other now and move on. Make peace.

My 2016 in A Nutshell

Gue kira 2015 udah jahat banget sama gue, ternyata 2016 kemarin lebih 'luar biasa'.

Di tahun itu gue belajar kalau people can surprise you in a way you have never imagined before.

Tahun dimana gue bahkan pernah ngerasa takut dengan matahari terbit just because it was SO hard to seize the day at the moment.

The worst thing was, setahun itu gue nggak bisa jadi diri sendiri seutuhnya. I was absolutely broken inside. I couldn't express myself at most times. Heck, even getting up from bed was the hardest thing to do.

I kept it all together too much, to the point where I let myself down.

That year, I had never felt more of a coward yet more of a fighter.

But damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. I made it here now.

So here's to the New Year.

Bad, Bad Habit of Mine

"I have a habit of remembering everything."

"That's great though. It must come in handy, you know, with work meetings and I know it did with school.. with your GPA", he flashed his signature smile, and then I remembered the first time he ever looked at me like that."

***

I was a freshman in college, awkward, and uncomfortable.

I had been staring, lost in thought, into my cup of water. And he had been staring, lost in thought, at me. When we both snapped out of it, he beamed at me, and that was the moment I knew he'd change my life.

***

"Yeah, now you know why I did so well, so it's a blessing I guess", I smiled and swished my drink around in the glass, unintentionally recreating our first interaction. "But it's also a curse," I sighed.

"Why?" he asked, with a mouth full. I can't help but smile at this boy.

"Because I remember everything, both the good and the bad. The way someone held me. The last words someone said to me. The first time someone smiled at me."

My stomach lurched. I knew that I was talking about him, and I hoped that he did too.

"I remember how it feels like to love someone and how it feels like to lose them. I remember it all, and the pain doesn't lessen with time. Trust me, it's a curse to relive losing someone every time you think of them."

"Do you remember stuff about me?"

"Of course. You love pasta, and visual design is your passion. The first time you told me you loved me, you didn't mean to. I had been acting like an idiot..."

"As usual," he cut in.

"Shut up," I laughed.

“You love the color black, and you don't like being vulnerable. You didn't know you had a talent in music until you were in college. Your left foot can wrench at any time because of that car accident you had..."

My voice trailed off, and suddenly, the wooden table in front of me seemed like the most interesting thing in the world, anything to keep myself from meeting his eyes, "I know it's creepy. I...I remember too much."

He shrugged and smiled ruefully, like the temptation was too great to pass up, "does it still hurt to think about us?"

"Yeah, it does. More than you'll ever know."